I started off with a blank canvas and although words now fill this space what is conveyed is still of the blankness. I try too hard to be funny. Its why I sit here now desperately seeking inspiration to pull a rabbit out the hat and have a funny moment smack me full throttle in the face. As the ability to make you laugh makes me feel much more worthwhile, gives me purpose in this world. My mind is a wondrous thing you know! A knack of taking any situation whether it be everyday things or the extraordinary and creating a negative spin on it. I preach positivity to my "friends" yet cannot escape the negativity when linking to myself. I am full of doubt tonight. Many reasons have caused this but to explain them to someone I know I will receive a sympathetic ear. But that is not what I want, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to understand, how my mind works and how I am feeling and why I feel it. I want to be someones friend, thats all. Perhaps go round there house and just play computer games late into the night or mooch off and shoot some pool, catch a film sometime but basically just hang out. I want to be the close friend and not the casual one that you have a chat with because you work together or just happen to be online at the same time. I don't know if that is asking too much or perhaps I am just incapable of going out and achieving that goal as my self esteem is that low. People say go out and do something with people then and I appreciate what they are saying but if I found it that easy I would have done it already you know. I think the internet has confused me more. Don't get me wrong, it has helped in so many ways and helped show that I'm not a complete bore or ball of quietness but it has left me with many unanswered questions. I don't mean to cause offense when I say this but I do doubt people on here and their motives. I have such a low opinion of myself that I think people respond to certain stuff I say in a manner to make me feel better rather than them truly believing it. I really want to break away from it all but this is my life and some people I really want to talk to on here but others I want to forget. I have perhaps developed feelings for a few people I have met through myspace and as soon as it gets serious I panic. I haven't had relationships so don't know what to do or think. With Nikki I got carried away in the moment and it all went pear shaped when I woke up and realised she wasn't the person I perhaps thought she was or wanted her to be. And with Brittney now, I think she's an awesome girl but I knew that I had to step in early and say this can't go anywhere, at the end of the day I don't know enough about her and I have strange thoughts. Not being the most sexually experienced person, I get aroused rather easily, and i'm not talking about down there, I mean in my mind. I have thoughts of sexual things really easily and when someone reciprocates them as Brittney has done, I think it makes matters worse. So right here right now I make a vow to myself, to not get involved with anyone, to keep everything to friends and to not delve into these conversations where I know where it will lead – to dirty talk and fantasies. This makes it sound dirty and sordid but its just because I can't describe things very well. I don't think i'll ever meet anyone else off the net either as it puts thoughts above my station. That drunken kiss still haunts me. And perhaps because of that I feel slightly annoyed that she is pregnant and not told me or anything. I never expected the kiss and certainly wasn't expecting to suddenly declare love for me or anything like that but I thought we may have got closer as friends but alas we have fallen further apart and it upsets me. I guess this is what it is like in life though and I'm just learning differently and slightly later that everything changes and there is not much I can do about it. All I would like is to suddenly wake up and have a life and have friends and then get real lucky and find someone special who likes me for me and is only a stones throw away rather than being anywhere but here. I sense rocky times ahead as perhaps I explain some of these things to people but until then this is still what fills my head. Good night.