The tears were flowing, dripping onto his pristine white shirt and black and white striped tie. He released another deep breath as he tried to pull himself together, he didn't want to look a fool on his big day. He pulled out his hankerchief and thought about his gran who made it a christmas tradition to buy him a new one. He wiped his eyes before a blowing his nose quite loudly, or so he thought, yet no one turned to look.

His tears seemed like they spread to everyone, no one could hold in their emotions on this special day. He overheard his mother boast about how smart he looked today which raised a smile from his father, he always thought that his son followed in his footsteps. And that is true, and he'd never told his dad how much he loved him. He was going to marry the woman of his dreams just like his father had done all those years before and then raised him into the world.

That would be his one regret he thought as his beautiful, soon to be wife reached for his hand. As all the mourners walked past his coffin as he looked on from the back of the church his gaze moved to his mother. She was thanking the vicar and had always tried to make him take an interest in religion so she'd be very happy with him now. They walked hand in hand out of the church and into the sunset towards their heaven. They really would be getting married in the eyes of God.

He lay there, not opening his eyes, knowing that the blinding light of the sun would just make things worse. The heat was unbearable but he just couldn't move. The shock of what had just occured was keeping him rooted to the spot as if all his limbs had weights attached to them. He tried calling out but no sound could be made and what would happen if someone did hear? Would he want that person to come to him? What if it was HER? The pain she'd already caused it was obvious that she would find him to finish the job. The pain in his chest worsened at that very thought but he knew he had to get away. He'd never seen it coming. That sudden attack, it wasn't like she came from behind to get him, she'd gone right up to his face, looked into his eyes and started it all. Started that process that left him...here...wherever here was.

It was time, he needed hope, he needed to see where he was. So he slowly opened his eyes, blinking heavily at the furiosity of the suns rays. Now adapted to the light he looked to his left and to his right but everything was a blur, he couldn't make anything out. He realised he couldn't hear anything either, was that the sea over there? It couldn't be he couldn't hear it, he couldn't smell it. He couldn't even feel what was beneath him. What had she done to him?

She'd ripped his heart out of course. He loved her with all his might yet she had thrown it back in his face and given her heart to another man. He was on a deserted island, deserted because he was alone. He could not see, hear, smell or touch because without a heart what else was there to be done. He was lost and alone and had nothing to live for. So as the waves engulfed him as the tide came in, he took one final breath and thought his last thought...I loved that girl and I will love no other.....

I started off with a blank canvas and although words now fill this space what is conveyed is still of the blankness. I try too hard to be funny. Its why I sit here now desperately seeking inspiration to pull a rabbit out the hat and have a funny moment smack me full throttle in the face. As the ability to make you laugh makes me feel much more worthwhile, gives me purpose in this world. My mind is a wondrous thing you know! A knack of taking any situation whether it be everyday things or the extraordinary and creating a negative spin on it. I preach positivity to my "friends" yet cannot escape the negativity when linking to myself. I am full of doubt tonight. Many reasons have caused this but to explain them to someone I know I will receive a sympathetic ear. But that is not what I want, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to understand, how my mind works and how I am feeling and why I feel it. I want to be someones friend, thats all. Perhaps go round there house and just play computer games late into the night or mooch off and shoot some pool, catch a film sometime but basically just hang out. I want to be the close friend and not the casual one that you have a chat with because you work together or just happen to be online at the same time. I don't know if that is asking too much or perhaps I am just incapable of going out and achieving that goal as my self esteem is that low. People say go out and do something with people then and I appreciate what they are saying but if I found it that easy I would have done it already you know. I think the internet has confused me more. Don't get me wrong, it has helped in so many ways and helped show that I'm not a complete bore or ball of quietness but it has left me with many unanswered questions. I don't mean to cause offense when I say this but I do doubt people on here and their motives. I have such a low opinion of myself that I think people respond to certain stuff I say in a manner to make me feel better rather than them truly believing it. I really want to break away from it all but this is my life and some people I really want to talk to on here but others I want to forget. I have perhaps developed feelings for a few people I have met through myspace and as soon as it gets serious I panic. I haven't had relationships so don't know what to do or think. With Nikki I got carried away in the moment and it all went pear shaped when I woke up and realised she wasn't the person I perhaps thought she was or wanted her to be. And with Brittney now, I think she's an awesome girl but I knew that I had to step in early and say this can't go anywhere, at the end of the day I don't know enough about her and I have strange thoughts. Not being the most sexually experienced person, I get aroused rather easily, and i'm not talking about down there, I mean in my mind. I have thoughts of sexual things really easily and when someone reciprocates them as Brittney has done, I think it makes matters worse. So right here right now I make a vow to myself, to not get involved with anyone, to keep everything to friends and to not delve into these conversations where I know where it will lead – to dirty talk and fantasies. This makes it sound dirty and sordid but its just because I can't describe things very well. I don't think i'll ever meet anyone else off the net either as it puts thoughts above my station. That drunken kiss still haunts me. And perhaps because of that I feel slightly annoyed that she is pregnant and not told me or anything. I never expected the kiss and certainly wasn't expecting to suddenly declare love for me or anything like that but I thought we may have got closer as friends but alas we have fallen further apart and it upsets me. I guess this is what it is like in life though and I'm just learning differently and slightly later that everything changes and there is not much I can do about it. All I would like is to suddenly wake up and have a life and have friends and then get real lucky and find someone special who likes me for me and is only a stones throw away rather than being anywhere but here. I sense rocky times ahead as perhaps I explain some of these things to people but until then this is still what fills my head. Good night.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother, I think I can look at myself in the mirror and say hand on heart that who I am on the net is who I am, period. However more and more I am intended to doubt others and if they are putting on a facade for me. If everyone was just honest, things would go a lot smoother. I really need friends near me because I am spending way too much time on here. My life consists of work and the internet. How sad eh!?!

Although today I did go out. The 'middle child' Paula got engaged to her boyfriend Matt a little while back and today we all went off to his mum's house for a meal. Matt is a real cool guy and it seems so is his family. I hope they thought we were alright too but that is something I always worry about. So anyway it was a surprise for Paula and Matt and it worked really well as they had no idea! I am tres happy that my sister got back with Matt because she is a lot more open and relaxed when they have been together as opposed to her other boyfriends that she has had and she clicks with the rest of his family which is real good to see.

So today was the first time me and my parents had met my oldest sister's boyfriend. She has got through quite a few bless her but James seems alright from first impressions. Again, I wonder what he thought of us. Not sure I would have coped too well with meeting so many new people in one go but he did alright from where I was sitting. My parents are really pessimistic about Stacey's boyfriends as they think they put the curse on when they meet them so lets hope they are still together this time next week!!

All in all an alright day, back to work tomorrow though and a stretch of 10 days with just 1 day off....ouch!! Looking to book some time off real soon though as I'm not coping too well with work at the mo and its all getting on top of me. With Brendan leaving I don't really have anyone to talk to about it but I guess I'll struggle through.

Thanks for reading