I was wondering, you know, if erm, you could possibly think about, hmmmm, how to put this, erm yeah if you could not ermmmm leave all my personal details on a god damn train!?!?!?!

Well I came on the train with a folder with all your details on but course I didn't take it off with me, that would just be silly wouldn't it!?!

What do you mean a train isn't a high security storage facility?

If only they'd put porn on the disk with the details I would never forget where I put it!

Its not my fault, the journey was SOOOOOOO long and I was all sleepy and dreamt of unicorns and so I couldn't wait to get home and pet mine

I thought my butler would carry it off the train for me

I'm just going to admit it, I hate this fucking country and all the silly fuckers in it so I left it on the train on bloody purpose HA!

I needed a wee wee, I was really desperate!!

What do you mean this was real peoples details? I thought we were still playing the sims!?!

Well we could have made the disks more secure but I was going to be late for that round of golf...

I went on the train and and and ....those commoners, were breathing near me and everything, I just had to get away

Big Brother was on and I forgot to sky plus it and my maid doesn't know how to set it, stupid bloody foreigners....

It was a slow news day so the Sun paid me to leave them there??

I'm just fucking stupid

Shameless plug for my sisters website where you can buy cosmetics that are good for your skin. Sounds just awesome doesn't it now!?! I could look pretty and not be ruining my skin for life!!
Can I hear a woopa doopa loopa from the people

www.skinsafecosmetics.com

Hello whoever is reading this, having a good day? Its sunny here, isn't that just awesome!?! Right pleasentries over, lets get down to business shall we

Here are some links:

SURPRISE
OH MY GOD

Under no circumstance are you to click the links because if you do you'll regret it as whats on the other side is really boring and definately not amusing or in anyway interesting, so your job is to NOT click the links

So now we're at the end because you haven't clicked the links as I told you not to, it really isn't a good idea to click them ok, so now just post what you think or say hello, because thats really quite friendly isn't it

Saddam Husseins record at live tv hangman is not too good, played one, lost one....

Terminal 5 opens....and then shuts....its a vicious circle isn't it. The urinals were not ready, does it really matter? Everyone knows we stand around for ages drinking cups of coffee and the like and then we go wee wee but still no matter what, we will need to go again as soon as we step on that plane. So lets just cut out the whole process and fit cathetas as standard. Walk through the metal detector and then through to the catheta fitting zone where you can pick out a style and size to suit your every desire.

"i'm a man and i'm having a baby" words only the governer of california could utter...or so we thought! A man, and I use that term in the loosest sense of the word, is pregnant. Its happening in America, could you adam and eve it hey, nothing controversial ever happens there usually.... So legally 'it' is male but lets face it legally I could be african american as long as i fill out one of their forms in the good ol US of A. My major issue is he has no balls. Now its fine to have testicles and then lose them in some devastating hedgetrimmer accident but never to have them?? no way sirreeee bob.

"on the accusation that you are a man.....i find you not guilty" when you can wake up with a stiffy every single morning, that makes you a man, when the girl you always fancied gives you a hug and you try and act cool while your ever growing friend tries to make first contact, that makes you a man etc etc etc etc you get the picture. So in conclusion ladies and gentlemen, there is no revelation, she is not a man, men do not have the problem of going "oooh my waters just broke...." they have the problem of having their beer belly get too large meaning its easier to just pee where you are then struggle to the toilet only to hit the seat. Amen!!!

The map of Britain is sometimes looked upon as a man sitting down. This makes East Anglia the arse of Britain..... and with 3 Makro stores in the region, thats a hell of a lot of shit being churned out, so if the shoe fits.....

The tears were flowing, dripping onto his pristine white shirt and black and white striped tie. He released another deep breath as he tried to pull himself together, he didn't want to look a fool on his big day. He pulled out his hankerchief and thought about his gran who made it a christmas tradition to buy him a new one. He wiped his eyes before a blowing his nose quite loudly, or so he thought, yet no one turned to look.

His tears seemed like they spread to everyone, no one could hold in their emotions on this special day. He overheard his mother boast about how smart he looked today which raised a smile from his father, he always thought that his son followed in his footsteps. And that is true, and he'd never told his dad how much he loved him. He was going to marry the woman of his dreams just like his father had done all those years before and then raised him into the world.

That would be his one regret he thought as his beautiful, soon to be wife reached for his hand. As all the mourners walked past his coffin as he looked on from the back of the church his gaze moved to his mother. She was thanking the vicar and had always tried to make him take an interest in religion so she'd be very happy with him now. They walked hand in hand out of the church and into the sunset towards their heaven. They really would be getting married in the eyes of God.

He lay there, not opening his eyes, knowing that the blinding light of the sun would just make things worse. The heat was unbearable but he just couldn't move. The shock of what had just occured was keeping him rooted to the spot as if all his limbs had weights attached to them. He tried calling out but no sound could be made and what would happen if someone did hear? Would he want that person to come to him? What if it was HER? The pain she'd already caused it was obvious that she would find him to finish the job. The pain in his chest worsened at that very thought but he knew he had to get away. He'd never seen it coming. That sudden attack, it wasn't like she came from behind to get him, she'd gone right up to his face, looked into his eyes and started it all. Started that process that left him...here...wherever here was.

It was time, he needed hope, he needed to see where he was. So he slowly opened his eyes, blinking heavily at the furiosity of the suns rays. Now adapted to the light he looked to his left and to his right but everything was a blur, he couldn't make anything out. He realised he couldn't hear anything either, was that the sea over there? It couldn't be he couldn't hear it, he couldn't smell it. He couldn't even feel what was beneath him. What had she done to him?

She'd ripped his heart out of course. He loved her with all his might yet she had thrown it back in his face and given her heart to another man. He was on a deserted island, deserted because he was alone. He could not see, hear, smell or touch because without a heart what else was there to be done. He was lost and alone and had nothing to live for. So as the waves engulfed him as the tide came in, he took one final breath and thought his last thought...I loved that girl and I will love no other.....

I started off with a blank canvas and although words now fill this space what is conveyed is still of the blankness. I try too hard to be funny. Its why I sit here now desperately seeking inspiration to pull a rabbit out the hat and have a funny moment smack me full throttle in the face. As the ability to make you laugh makes me feel much more worthwhile, gives me purpose in this world. My mind is a wondrous thing you know! A knack of taking any situation whether it be everyday things or the extraordinary and creating a negative spin on it. I preach positivity to my "friends" yet cannot escape the negativity when linking to myself. I am full of doubt tonight. Many reasons have caused this but to explain them to someone I know I will receive a sympathetic ear. But that is not what I want, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want someone to understand, how my mind works and how I am feeling and why I feel it. I want to be someones friend, thats all. Perhaps go round there house and just play computer games late into the night or mooch off and shoot some pool, catch a film sometime but basically just hang out. I want to be the close friend and not the casual one that you have a chat with because you work together or just happen to be online at the same time. I don't know if that is asking too much or perhaps I am just incapable of going out and achieving that goal as my self esteem is that low. People say go out and do something with people then and I appreciate what they are saying but if I found it that easy I would have done it already you know. I think the internet has confused me more. Don't get me wrong, it has helped in so many ways and helped show that I'm not a complete bore or ball of quietness but it has left me with many unanswered questions. I don't mean to cause offense when I say this but I do doubt people on here and their motives. I have such a low opinion of myself that I think people respond to certain stuff I say in a manner to make me feel better rather than them truly believing it. I really want to break away from it all but this is my life and some people I really want to talk to on here but others I want to forget. I have perhaps developed feelings for a few people I have met through myspace and as soon as it gets serious I panic. I haven't had relationships so don't know what to do or think. With Nikki I got carried away in the moment and it all went pear shaped when I woke up and realised she wasn't the person I perhaps thought she was or wanted her to be. And with Brittney now, I think she's an awesome girl but I knew that I had to step in early and say this can't go anywhere, at the end of the day I don't know enough about her and I have strange thoughts. Not being the most sexually experienced person, I get aroused rather easily, and i'm not talking about down there, I mean in my mind. I have thoughts of sexual things really easily and when someone reciprocates them as Brittney has done, I think it makes matters worse. So right here right now I make a vow to myself, to not get involved with anyone, to keep everything to friends and to not delve into these conversations where I know where it will lead – to dirty talk and fantasies. This makes it sound dirty and sordid but its just because I can't describe things very well. I don't think i'll ever meet anyone else off the net either as it puts thoughts above my station. That drunken kiss still haunts me. And perhaps because of that I feel slightly annoyed that she is pregnant and not told me or anything. I never expected the kiss and certainly wasn't expecting to suddenly declare love for me or anything like that but I thought we may have got closer as friends but alas we have fallen further apart and it upsets me. I guess this is what it is like in life though and I'm just learning differently and slightly later that everything changes and there is not much I can do about it. All I would like is to suddenly wake up and have a life and have friends and then get real lucky and find someone special who likes me for me and is only a stones throw away rather than being anywhere but here. I sense rocky times ahead as perhaps I explain some of these things to people but until then this is still what fills my head. Good night.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother, I think I can look at myself in the mirror and say hand on heart that who I am on the net is who I am, period. However more and more I am intended to doubt others and if they are putting on a facade for me. If everyone was just honest, things would go a lot smoother. I really need friends near me because I am spending way too much time on here. My life consists of work and the internet. How sad eh!?!

Although today I did go out. The 'middle child' Paula got engaged to her boyfriend Matt a little while back and today we all went off to his mum's house for a meal. Matt is a real cool guy and it seems so is his family. I hope they thought we were alright too but that is something I always worry about. So anyway it was a surprise for Paula and Matt and it worked really well as they had no idea! I am tres happy that my sister got back with Matt because she is a lot more open and relaxed when they have been together as opposed to her other boyfriends that she has had and she clicks with the rest of his family which is real good to see.

So today was the first time me and my parents had met my oldest sister's boyfriend. She has got through quite a few bless her but James seems alright from first impressions. Again, I wonder what he thought of us. Not sure I would have coped too well with meeting so many new people in one go but he did alright from where I was sitting. My parents are really pessimistic about Stacey's boyfriends as they think they put the curse on when they meet them so lets hope they are still together this time next week!!

All in all an alright day, back to work tomorrow though and a stretch of 10 days with just 1 day off....ouch!! Looking to book some time off real soon though as I'm not coping too well with work at the mo and its all getting on top of me. With Brendan leaving I don't really have anyone to talk to about it but I guess I'll struggle through.

Thanks for reading

Soooo was reading The Sun this morning and they had a page with the favourite jokes of their coloumnists in an attempt to cheer up Britain from all the bad news it has got recently. So in my wisdom I decided to share some of them with you and make the internet community happier to. I hope you enjoy

Four guys were playing golf when a funeral cortege went slowly by on the road adjoining the course. One of the players took off his cap and stood solemly until the procession was out of sight. A fellow player said "That was very moving and respectful" "Its the least I could do" said his mate. "After all, we were married for 23 years" - Fergus Shanahan

A MAN being examined by the doctor is told: “Are you aware, Sir, that you have a piece of lettuce protruding from your behind?”

“I know,” says the geezer, “and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.” - Jon Gaunt

MAN goes to the chemists and says to the pharmacist: “Have you got any Viagra?”

The man replies: “No, but I’ve got a photo of the wife.” - Terry Venables

A HUSBAND and wife are shopping in their local Tesco and the husband picks up a crate of Stella and puts it in their trolley.

Her husband retorts: “So does 12 cans of Stella and it’s half the price.” - Emma Parker Bowles

A COUPLE were eating in a restaurant when the waitress notices the woman slide under the table as the man glances nonchalantly around.

“No she hasn’t,” says the man. “She’s just walked in.” - Lorraine Kelly

Well they are some of the ones I found the funniest, you can read the rest here hopefully, not too sure how long they keep the page active though!!

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article715174.ece

Last night I had a dream. Was on the back row of a coach/bus. My dad was driving although I'm pretty certain he's not qualified. Anyway I had my oldest sister sitting to my left. My friend Kate was to my right, despite me never having met her. I presume she was there as I had spoken to her before bed!?! Then my other sister and her boyfriend were to the right of her. My mum was up the front near my dad but I remember no one else who was on the coach.

So yeah, I don't know where we were or where we were going but I do know it was raining really hard and it was dull and miserable. I had done or said something which meant no one was talking to me. Then my sister who was sitting to my left got up and went off the coach to go to the toilet as we had stopped at a service station.

She tried to get back on the coach through the back. There was doors on both sides. I opened the one on her side but she got in the other side so we all had to move up a seat. Then I tried to shut the door I opened but it wouldn't lock in place, so I just kept trying and trying and never made it. That is the last thing I remember.

What does all that mean? I am thinking it is a negative meaning.